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Buried in the Grief of Pregnancy Loss: Where God Grows Bravery

By Jenny Albers

God's Brave Women - Jenny's Story

The second line on the pregnancy test appeared and as much as I wanted to feel joy, it was something more like terror that washed over me.

To be clear, this was a planned pregnancy. My husband and I had intentionally tried to conceive. This is exactly what I had wanted.

Well, maybe not exactly.

Let me explain.

What I had really wanted was to not know the grief of pregnancy loss, and now, the terror of pregnancy after loss. While terror might seem like a strong word, the thing is that I had wanted my two previous pregnancies, too. I had wanted the two babies I’d carried in my womb. These were pregnancies that were also planned, hoped for. But neither of them lasted long enough for the babies I carried to survive. By this point, I was acutely aware that my pregnancy might not end with a squishy-faced baby. Cue the terror.

My first loss was the result of an ectopic pregnancy. The fertilized egg, alive with the very beginning stages of life, had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of in my uterus, and was therefore not viable. I was crushed.

Months later, I became pregnant again. Though I was skeptical that this pregnancy would progress without complications, my first four prenatal appointments went well. I was hopeful. I heard my baby’s heartbeat. I saw my baby bouncing around inside of my uterus. There were no known concerns.

But at 20 weeks, 3 days pregnant, my body went into labor and I gave birth to a stillborn baby. Micah. I was devastated. Gutted. E