By Amanda Bacon
Brave Women Series - Amanda's Story
True story: Seven years ago, I swore off close friendship.
When we took the leap and moved our family of 10 across the country from Alaska to North Carolina, I decided I was going to stay on the surface level with every woman I met in my new home state. I wasn’t going to let any new friend eventually become a dear friend.
"I decided I was going to stay on the surface level with every woman I met in my new home state. I wasn’t going to let any new friend eventually become a dear friend."
I already had a couple of close friends in different states and I also had my sister, so I declared that I was “good” and “fine.” I thought, “That’s more than most people have, so I don’t need anyone else.”
You see, I’d lost a deep friendship that had spanned a decade near the end of our time in Alaska. So I was living as a freshly wounded girl when it came time to pack up and leave. I’d lived in the frozen North for 30 years with roots that ran deep and a heart that was attached to so much of what I was leaving behind. When we arrived in North Carolina, I couldn’t bring myself to open up the part of me who easily attaches to people and loves deeply. I just couldn’t risk it.
Deep down, I knew this wasn’t how I was created by God to operate, but the pain of loss still made me so sad. And the thought of investing, attaching and then potentially losing someone again was an absolute NO for me.
"Deep down, I knew this wasn’t how I was created by God to operate, but the pain of loss still made me so sad. And the thought of investing, attaching and then potentially losing someone again was an absolute NO for me."
I tried really hard at first to be the type of person who keeps others at a comfortable distance. This would be safer and plus, my family life including eight kids and special needs parenting was a lot to handle. Why add more to my already crazy life?
Looking back at the years since we decided to make the move, I can see that I needed to heal in a major way. I was trying to be a different person, but what I needed was a break. It was okay that I needed time and space to learn to trust others before attaching to someone again. I needed to pace myself and not go too deep, too quickly like I’d normally do in relationships. I wasn’t swearing off friendship, I was simply being wise.
"It was okay that I needed time and space to learn to trust others before attaching to someone again... I wasn’t swearing off friendship, I was simply being wise."
After eventually deciding I could try opening myself back up over the first year or two, I saw that one sad situation didn’t mean all of my friendships would end abruptly without explanation. I saw that it’s impossible to squelch the part of me who loves knowing and being known. I just wasn’t myself when I wasn’t connecting at a deep level with other women.
"One sad situation didn’t mean all of my friendships would end abruptly without explanation. I saw that it’s impossible to squelch the part of me who loves knowing and being known. I just wasn’t myself when I wasn’t connecting at a deep level with other women."
I’m proud of myself for having the courage to recognize I wasn’t ready, and am even more proud of myself for not feeling shame over the time it took to try again when I was ready. I’m fully healed now almost ten years after the brutal friendship loss, but healing was gradual and gaining new close friends was part of that healing.
"I’m proud of myself for having the courage to recognize I wasn’t ready, and am even more proud of myself for not feeling shame over the time it took to try again when I was ready."
God has brought some amazing friends to me in my new home. I can’t even imagine if they weren’t in my life. Shout out to Raina, Caitlin, Julie, Andrea and my team at work for lighting up my life in the ways they do. I still think about the dear friend who needed to separate herself from me almost every single day, but the loss doesn’t grieve me any longer like it did.
I pray she’s thriving and healed too, with deep friendships that are right for this season and beyond.
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About Amanda
Amanda Bacon lives in North Carolina with her husband, Jeremy, and their eight kids. She gets excited about her job at Proverbs 31 Ministries and loves encouraging women with biblical truth and authenticity. When she isn’t driving carpool or feeding people, you can find her reading, watching British television or wandering outdoors.
Amanda is the co-host of All the Mom Things podcast, host of At Night podcast, and is the co-author of Shiny Things: Mothering on Purpose in a World of Distractions. You can connect with her on Instagram!