God Can Handle Our Doubts, Feelings, and Questions: Choosing Honesty When Life Falls Apart
By Nicole Jacobsmeyer
Brave Women Series - Nicole's Story
In 2019, I had the hardest year of my life. I wish I could tell you how brave I was through it all, how strong and how faithful. But to be honest, it was impossible for me to try and piece together any amount of good that year while also trying to trust that God will use everything for His glory. It was a year that brought pain I never thought I’d face, doubts I never thought I’d have as a Christian woman, and anger that I didn’t even realize was deeply seeded in my soul.
"It was a year that brought pain I never thought I’d face, doubts I never thought I’d have as a Christian woman, and anger that I didn’t even realize was deeply seeded in my soul."
Towards the beginning of 2019, we lost a baby through miscarriage. After having three healthy boys, I was shocked a miscarriage was now a part of my story. The grief and sadness I experienced was overwhelming and that season of pain still makes me cry to this day. Shortly after our loss, we found out we were moving across the country for my husband’s job as a pediatric resident. This move was devastating. We’d be moving away from our family and friends. Away from the church we called home. Away from community and roots we tried so hard to plant over the years. Everything was falling apart. My plans, my idea of what a complete family looked like for us, and my emotions. I had so many questions. What are you doing Lord? First the baby, now a move?
As if we weren’t already going through enough, 10 days before we made our move 1600 miles away, I was diagnosed with cancer. The big “C” word was now my new reality as a 30-year-old mother of 3 little boys. I slowly began spiraling downwards into anger and depression. I felt as if my grieving process with the miscarriage had to be put on hold because now I was worried about my health, the move, and having surgery in a new state the same week my husband started his intern year. Would my kids be ok? Would I be ok? All the hopes and dreams and excitement we had dreaming of being a family of 6 went out the window and now my life was on the line. The fears that went along with cancer, the gut wrenching pain of losing a baby and the heartache of saying goodbye to the place we thought we’d stay forever was unbearable.
I had been given more than I could handle.
"The fears that went along with cancer, the gut wrenching pain of losing a baby and the heartache of saying goodbye to the place we thought we’d stay forever was unbearable. I had been given more than I could handle."
When everything hit me in such a short amount of time, there was no bravery. I had no hope, no peace, no thankfulness, no joy. I couldn’t look to James 1:2 and “consider it joy when I faced trials.” Instead, I was angry about my circumstances, devastated about the next season, and so fearful about the future.
As you read these words, you might be thinking, “well, how did you do it? How did you get through?” To tell you the truth, I didn’t know how to be brave and courageous in uncertain waters or even how to fight through. The only thing I knew how to do was sit before the Lord in my brokenness. I went to Him in my true authenticity, with all my doubts and questions, with all my pain and anger, with all my sadness and brokenness and sat at the Father’s feet.
"I didn’t know how to be brave and courageous in uncertain waters or even how to fight through. The only thing I knew how to do was sit before the Lord in my brokenness. I went to Him in my true authenticity... sat at the Father’s feet."
Being honest before Him is what made me brave. He gives us the strength when we need it the most. He calms our weary hearts. He’s the only One who can restore what was lost. He mends the brokenhearted. He is close to those who weep. And we can stand on the truth that His goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives.
God will lead us beside still waters. He will refresh our souls. He will be with us. God will produce in us character, hope, and endurance to keep us going when all seems lost. Those are promises. And this is the God we serve, no matter our circumstances or the curveballs life throws at us, we have Christ with us, the Hope of glory.
"God will produce in us character, hope, and endurance to keep us going when all seems lost. Those are promises. And this is the God we serve, no matter our circumstances or the curveballs life throws at us, we have Christ with us, the Hope of glory."
Go before Him today in 100% honesty, because in my opinion, that is the bravest thing you can do.
Brave Woman Manifesto
Make sure to check back next week as another courageous Sister shares her story. And by the way...
You are Brave!
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About Nicole
Nicole Jacobsmeyer is a wife, mom, and first-time author of her new book, Take Back Your Joy. Through her authenticity and the sharing of her own struggles and pain, Nicole encourages women to keep going when all seems lost. She believes that it’s possible to find lasting joy and purpose in Christ and that He is good no matter what life brings our way.
Her and her husband Andrew have 4 kids and reside in NC. They love being outdoors, baking chocolate chip cookies, and playing sports.
Connect with Nicole on her website nicolejacobsmeyer.com and follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest.