God Can Handle Our Doubts, Feelings, and Questions: Choosing Honesty When Life Falls Apart
By Nicole Jacobsmeyer
Brave Women Series - Nicole's Story
In 2019, I had the hardest year of my life. I wish I could tell you how brave I was through it all, how strong and how faithful. But to be honest, it was impossible for me to try and piece together any amount of good that year while also trying to trust that God will use everything for His glory. It was a year that brought pain I never thought I’d face, doubts I never thought I’d have as a Christian woman, and anger that I didn’t even realize was deeply seeded in my soul.
"It was a year that brought pain I never thought I’d face, doubts I never thought I’d have as a Christian woman, and anger that I didn’t even realize was deeply seeded in my soul."
Towards the beginning of 2019, we lost a baby through miscarriage. After having three healthy boys, I was shocked a miscarriage was now a part of my story. The grief and sadness I experienced was overwhelming and that season of pain still makes me cry to this day. Shortly after our loss, we found out we were moving across the country for my husband’s job as a pediatric resident. This move was devastating. We’d be moving away from our family and friends. Away from the church we called home. Away from community and roots we tried so hard to plant over the years. Everything was falling apart. My plans, my idea of what a complete family looked like for us, and my emotions. I had so many questions. What are you doing Lord? First the baby, now a move?
As if we weren’t already going through enough, 10 days before we made our move 1600 miles away, I was diagnosed with cancer. The big “C” word was now my new reality as a 30-year-old mother of 3 little boys. I slowly began spiraling downwards into anger and depression. I felt as if my grieving process with the miscarriage had to be put on hold because now I was worried about my health, the move, and having surgery in a new state the same week my husband started his intern year. Would my kids be ok? Would I be ok? All the hopes and dreams and excitement we had dreaming of being a family of 6 went out the window and now my life was on the line. The fears that went along with cancer, the gut wrenching pain of losing a baby and the heartache of saying goodbye to the place we thought we’d stay forever was unbearable.